DreamCrafters

I finally got a confession out of my daughter that she has not been sticking to her diet. A few pieces of unacceptable candy and treats now and then have revealed themselves to me, and I decided it was time to ask for the truth. It isn't her size. Her size shows that she is a healthy, well-fed girl who is on her way to being built like a fashion model. No, those forbidden treats are what's causing the running instead of walking and the temper tantrums that leave her on the floor kicking like a two-year-old. My almost ten-year-old flings herself onto furniture, grabs whatever interests her regardless of ownership and etiquette, interrupts conversations, and does the opposite of what she told and then laughs about it. She is hyperactive, impulsive, defiant, and noncompliant, and it is the additives that make certain foods forbidden that trigger this behavior. My daughter is supposed to be following the Feingold Program for those who suffer from a long list of ailments, including ADHD. She is supposed to eat only foods we provide for her at school, birthday parties, dinner parties, and some restaurants. Like any child with such severe restrictions, however, she finds temptation difficult to resist. The more she gives in, the harder it is for her to say no. What's a parent to do? Years ago, I used to keep pennies in my pocket. They went into my right pocket for bad behavior and back to my left for good behavior. In the moment, I could threaten to transfer pennies in the hope of encouraging my daughter to behave. At the end of the day, I could easily assess how well she'd done by the number of pennies in each pocket and dish out rewards and punishments accordingly. I felt it was much fairer than taking away privileges based on how frazzled I felt. I felt, in those days, that I functioned on frazzled and was more likely to remove privileges based on my level of despair and the frequency of my tears. Not a good yardstick to measure a child's behavior. I may not be able to control what my daughter eats when she is away from home, but I can usually tell when she's strayed from her diet. So, I've decided to start with the pennies again. They might be quarters that can be converted into Chuck E. Cheese tokens or they could be actual tokens. It doesn't matter. We can start out with ten pennies, and each request or command that is met with fussing, wailing, or smart-mouthed comments will result in a penny in the right-hand pocket. Likewise, any cheerful, compliant responses will lead to a penny in the left pocket. Particularly bad behavior--nasty backtalk, hitting, kicking, or screaming, can mean that the pennies stay in the right pocket. In this way, I can monitor both the behavior and the diet that triggers it. I'm hoping to show my daughter the results of her actions and help her connect the dots. I'm hoping that she will learn to make wiser choices. I'm hoping that my own life will be calmer as a result.

For years I tried not to complain. I had working appliances and a place to prepare food. Yet I could not deny that my kitchen was poorly designed and uninviting as a cooking space. I would stand at my stove or sink working in isolation. Many evenings the best company I had was my younger daughter, lying on the floor, kicking and screaming while I attempted to pt something together that tasted like a decent dinner and often consisted of black beans and rice.
Now my kitchen is a bare expanse of subfloor framed covered studs with holes where the windows will be someday. Incredibly, it is an improvement. While I do have a place to cook (my mother's kitchen, crowded with small appliances and the contents of grocery shopping bags that have nowhere else to go), my own kitchen is still a skeleton of its future self. And that is an improvement on what it was.